January 18, 2023
“Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.”
― Victor J. Stenger
“Heavenly for hangovers…”
- From a description in a guidebook about Rotarua
As I have mentioned before, the history of New Zealand is intimately bound to volcanoes. Both islands lie astride the so called “Ring of Fire” in the Pacific ocean of where many of the worlds volcanoes are found. Volcanoes are everywhere here. Some are dormant, others are not.
The recent Netflix special from New Zealand “Escape from Whakarri” highlights the fascination and terror these geological wonders can hold. Our son Stephen went on this tour a few years earlier than this incident.
The main effluent of volcanic geothermal gases are water vapor, carbon dioxide, and sulfur dioxide. It is that last bit, the sulfur dioxide, SO2, that can cause some of the foulest oder imaginable. It is from that bit of science we begin today’s tale.
If you consult any information about where to go on the North Island in New Zealand, Rotarua pops up on every list. It is known for it’s geothermal pools and spas as well as various other outdoor activities that surround the town. It also has the nickname “Sulfur City”. There is a very large sulfur deposit near the downtown area in the heart of the community.
We should have known better.
The Maiori name here is He Wahi Haunga. -- "A Smelly Place"
It stinks here. Not a little smell, it is a significant noxious odor that roils through the town like a toxic vapor. It is not a little smell, like some nearby paper mill. No, this is the fragrance found at the very doorway to Mordor. Rotten eggs and open sewers is the only thing that can describe it.
Yet, despite the obvious toxic cloud, this is a busy tourist destination. The spas here, where you have the opportunity to soak yourself in pits of the foul mud, cost a lot. Housing is not cheap here. The locals have spiritual totems dedicated to the steamy pits.
We checked into our hotel and commented to the very polite receptionist that we both were feeling a little nauseous from the smell.
“Oh, it is not bad right now, “ she cheerily responded, “It can be much worse”.
Appalled, we went to our room and closed the windows and cranked up the air conditioning to try to blow out the atmosphere of Venus trying to ooze in.
I am trying to imagine how anyone could be sold on coming here to live. Can you imagine the original pitch meeting?
“Frank, what are we going to do? This place is sure smelly. No one will want to buy”, Biff complained.
“Biff stop panicking, let me think”
Moments pass. Biff returns from the bathroom. It is the second time this morning he threw up.
“I’ve got it!”, Frank shouted.
Biff wiped his mouth off and wearily said, “What?”
“How we can sell properties!” Frank said excitedly, “Now bear with me here….”
Frank holds his hands up in a dramatic gesture. “We tell them, it’s medicinal. It comes from ‘mother earth’. The smell is good for your health!”
Biff stares at him a long moment.
“That’s genius”
“I know, right!”
Biff said, “We are going to make a fortune”. He then went and threw up again for the third time.
We checked out a day early. it was too much. We started the long drive to Wellington, our final stop on the North Island.
Along the way we stopped at a couple of spectacular waterfalls and got to see some of the many adventure excurions you can do here.
We stopped at a Honey farm Colleen had heard about. They specialized in Manuka honey, a high end brand that was very expensive. So we went to the taste bar to sample the varieties.
Who doesn’t like honey? They were wonderful. but the time came to try the high end expensive brand we came for in the first place.
It was not great. In fact, it tasted like medicine.
“Oh no”, the saleswoman explained, “This is medicinal. It is meant to treat all sorts of ailments. This is why it is so costly.”
Apparently Frank and Biff, after their success in Rotarua, got into the honey business next.
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