“Age.
Age brings wisdom and the fine clarity that one gets at midnight on the tracks looking into the lights of an oncoming train.
It dawns on you rather quickly there is only so much time left; only so many star filled nights, snowfalls, brisk Fall afternoons, and rainy midsummer days.
So how you conduct yourself and do your work matters; how you treat your friends, your family and your lover.
On good days a blessing falls over you . It wraps its arms around you and you are free and deeply in and of this world.
That’s your reward, being here.
That’s what gets you up the next morning. A new chance to receive that benediction while you butter your toast, getting dressed, or driving home from work you stumble into those moments when you feel that hand of God gently rest on your shoulder.
And you realize how lucky you are; lucky to be alive, lucky to be breathing in this world of beauty, horror , and hope.
Because this is what there is - a chance - a world where it is lucky to be in love and lucky to be loved.
So you go
Until it fills you. Until the sweat, blood, and hard tears make sense.
You go until the lights from the fading distant stars fall at your feet
Go
And may God bless you”
― Bruce Springsteen
If you are observant, there are signs that the world is changing around you. I am learning this is part of aging. You begin to see these mileposts a little more often. Icons of your childhood pass away with increasing frequency. Your dog is aging before your eyes and has trouble getting up steps now. You watch award shows and don’t recognize many of the winners. You become easily frustrated with new technology. You look forward to naps.
Bruce Springsteen is 71 years old! When did that happen?
It happened again to me recently. I sat down to watch the Super Bowl and I had no idea who the half time performer was or the singer of the National Anthem. To my memory, that is the first time that has ever happened in my life
This post will be more self indulgent than most. But, why not? It is my birthday.
I turn 60 years old today. A nice round number.
When you reach such a milestone you should spend some time in reflection. I realize with great clarity that the majority of my life is now behind me. I look back and see a road littered with mistakes, words I wish I did not say, and anxieties that proved to be mere phantoms.
I think that is true for most people. There are so many things i wish I could take back. But, there are no mulligans. The river keeps moving ever forward.
This is how it should be. Wisdom is forged in adversity. We can’t really see the world until we have lived in it awhile. And even then, much of it is still veiled from view, I think that is the primal draw that moves us forward. You want to see more, the parts hidden still from your sight.
Much of my life has been the result of impulsive decisions. I have never been a careful planner. A worrier, yes, but I have never been a person that paid attention to details. For the most part, through sheer dumb luck and survival instinct, these decisions have paid off.
There is an X man super hero called “Domino”. Her power is she is ‘lucky”. Things tend to fall her way. For the most successful things in my life I have accomplished I have been terribly lucky.
Chief among these good fortunes has been Colleen. This year will mark the 40th anniversary since we met in a Medical school library on a February day in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I married well. I am continually astonished at the breadth of her talents, her wisdom, good humor, and beauty. I tell you with great sincerity that I have no idea why she is still with me. I do not deserve such love.
I have two fine sons that have grown straight and true. My oldest, Christopher, has inherited the best qualities of Colleen. He is funny, talented, driven, sensitive, and uncommonly bright. I have admired him for so long. He takes the time to stay in touch with us and visits regularly. These are qualities I wish I had with my own parents. Stephen is our rocket man. He has shot to the top of the academic world and will soon complete a PhD program. He is funny, talented, and expressive. There is no mountain he cannot climb.
Both have become good men and will leave the world a better place.
(If they could just figure out how to have grandchildren then it would be perfect. —- I am sending “How To” pamphlets in the mail)
I am much more sore these days. My right shoulder has a pinched tendon that keeps me from lifting my arm over my head. How did that happen? It's not like I am overly athletic. Sleep is not easy due to body aches and I get out of breath with exertion far too easy. I take medicine for high blood pressure now. Paint chips are flaking off the ship and I can feel it every morning. I wish this was not the case, but I accept it.
Yet, in these last few years I feel I am entering the best parts of life. For so long I was mired in the long sleepless hours of my career. My vision was limited because my band width was overwhelmed. Somehow, my sons and wife tolerated me during these years.
I can see better now. Many of the convictions that I held tightly for so long have proven to be falsehoods. I am learning still. The world is wider to me now. There is so much to see. I will never see it all, and that is how it should be.
I also have become acutely sensitive to the small things that make up the ebbs and flows of life. I have come to believe that when I leave the world these little moments are what I will miss most. Trips to get groceries, making a pie, a freshly mowed lawn, a well kept garden, sitting on my porch with a good cup of coffee in the morning, holding hands with Colleen, our chickens, the morning light through the window, and naps.
I do love a good nap.
These are the bits that make up your day and there is great beauty in them. Especially when you can share them with your wife. I have reached a point where I can finally appreciate these seemingly routine things. They are not mundane at all. It is the stuff of life. The paint chips come together to form a dazzling mosaic that declare “I was here”.
So “Happy Birthday!” to me. It is a nice round number. Today is a good day. I still have much to see and do and I plan to keep going down the river as far as I can paddle.
The stream, after all these years, has opened up before me.
I am content.
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